Dumb Sex Tips: A female perspective

Posted: February 1st, 2010 | Author: Zim | Filed under: Babble, Babes | 3 Comments »

 
Have you ever wanted to do this?  It just seems there’d be a lot of sand in cracks that you wouldn’t really appreciate it in.  Also, this is not advised to do off New Jersey coast-lines (medical waste and Guidos/Guidettes fluids)

• Our new resident ‘Writer Babe’ offers up a rebuttle to some really stupid sex tips from women’s magazines…
• Whether it’s getting your freak on in a tub or giving your mate a gentle “shocker”, there’s something to be discussed…
• We promised more material for women and now we’re delivering!!! 

by JGram (Writer Babe)
edited by Hootie McBoob (Dude)

I have been asked to add a female perspective to the site. Don’t get your jock straps in a wad…I’m not in the least bit a girlie girl. But I’m happy to offer my unsolicited opinion to anyone that wants to listen. After all, I do have some female chromosomes lurking in there. So here is my first article, based on many well read women’s magazine articles floating out there.

Please remember, feel free to try any and all these tips. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Tip #1– Wear a long, dangly necklace during sex. It will draw attention to your breasts.

Really? I’m quite sure that when the girls are out, you are already paying attention.
You don’t need a necklace to get in the way or to point out the fact your boobs are there. It’s been my experience that you might as well have target bulls-eyes in place of nipples. The necklace is, at best, a distraction. Depending on your position, it will smack him in the face or get tangled in your hair. Skip it.

While it might have been good for Tupac, it’s probably not going to be your girlfriends favorite thing.

Tip #2 – Have sex in an empty bathtub – the confined space keeps you close together.

Have you ever even put your bare foot in an empty bathtub? That shit is COLD. Now imagine having your entire naked body stretched out in that bad boy. It’s not soft and forgiving material, either. Somebody’s knees are going to be in serious trouble by the end of any possible position scenario I can dream up. A hot, steamy shared shower? Sounds great. A cold, empty tub? Count me out.

Tip #3 – Place one hand at the bottom of his shaft and twist the tip of his penis with the other – like you’re opening a jar.

WHAT? Ok, to be honest, I get what the tip is getting at. How bout you work the word ‘gentle’ in there somewhere? A little more specific direction might be a good idea for some less experienced chick reading that article and getting the wrong idea. I can just visualize some gal reading that and trying to twist the top off like it’s a stuck jar of Ragu spaghetti sauce. Shudder.

Tip #4 – Have him fold his tongue like a taco and put it inside you. Then have him flatten it out. Repeat.

Then what? Kudos for trying to come up with a new oral sex tip. At least it doesn’t involve tracing the alphabet. (yawn) But this really doesn’t seem like the best technique. Just be enthusiastic when you are going downtown and figure out what your partner likes. Everyone is different but I don’t think the sight of you coming at her with your tongue stuck out like a folded taco is going to drive her wild with desire.

“It’s not that I didn’t like it, I just didn’t expect you to jam it up in there like that!”

Tip #5 – Surprise him by inserting your finger into his…er…uh…right before his climax.

Woah! That would definitely be a surprise for most guys, I will agree. This is a very delicate topic, to put it mildly. Some guys enjoy…butt play…and some freak out if you get within a six inch radius of his bum. Either way, this needs to be discussed beforehand, not ‘popped’ (sorry, couldn’t resist) on him in the heat of the moment.

Once again, I’m not an expert, just a normal chick offering her opinion. Some sex tips are great and I love anything that spices up bedroom play. But I think in the quest to find offbeat new ideas, these are some of the more lame ones. Just be yourself, be open to suggestions from your partner, spice it up and most of all…HAVE FUN. No empty bathtub required.

Editors Note/About the author:
JGram is a beautiful woman originally from Tipp City, Ohio that now resides in her sex layer/dungeon somewhere in the Miami Valley.  I went to high school with her and we’ve re-connected as friends the last couple of years and become friends again.  I asked her to provide us a little something different here at the site, perhaps add a woman’s perspective and material.  As you can see, there is a reason I did and I think both men and women will get a kick out of such articles.  She has a wicked sense of humor, is a cool chick that speaks her mind and isn’t afraid to tell it like it is.  While also being one of the coolest people I know, she’s also one of the more sick minds that I know and I appreciate that.  Look for additional articles from our resident ‘Babe Writer’.

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